My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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