Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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