I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
