i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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