how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
