Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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