i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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