from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
