so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
