I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
