Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
