So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
