I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
40s are totally the cure
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