I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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