I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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