I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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