you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
