I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
