Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
