I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
