i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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