I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
