Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
