My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
