I have demons in me.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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