They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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