So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
