shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
