these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
this just has baby written all over it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
