are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
