You really coming over, don't trick.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's shark week go big or go home
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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