The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
