I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
