She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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