I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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