I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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