i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
