Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
