Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's blow job season.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
