Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
