So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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