That's intense
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
