so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
