my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
