When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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