my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
