dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
