I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
