I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
