I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
