You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
