I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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